Monday, November 7, 2011

Colombia's rising stars and lost potential

Like watching a sneak preview of future blockbuster films, the best thing about South American football is the chance to catch remarkable talent on the way up.

Barcelona's Argentine Lionel Messi tops the list but I have lost count of the extraordinary players whose early professional steps I have been lucky enough to witness.

Inevitably, plenty fall short of fulfilling their potential.

At the 2003 South American Under-20 Championships, I picked out a list of the most interesting players on show for World Soccer magazine. Carlos Tevez would have been on it - but I had already written about him months earlier. His team-mate Javier Mascherano was on my list, along with Brazil's attacking right-back Daniel Alves. And there was a Colombian I was excited about called Avimiled Rivas.

I wrote: "[He is] A midfielder who can be highly strung but looks a genuine thoroughbred. Tall, quick, strong and dynamic, he plays on the left but likes to cut inside to use his thumping right foot to switch play or shoot."

He is still doing it but not at the level that once seemed likely. Rivas was promoted to Colombia's senior squad and made a couple of appearances as a substitute. But a move to Real Sociedad in Spain did not work out. He was loaned out to lower-division clubs in Spain before returning home and bouncing around from club to club in Colombia.

Avimiled Rivas playing for Colombia in 2003

Avimiled Rivas, who appeared for Colombia in 2003, possesses masses of unrealised talent. Photo: Getty

This year he has been more settled, establishing himself as an important player with Colombian club Boyaca Chico in Tunja. It is a small well-run club founded in 2002 - but they are punching above their weight in sixth place, just two points off the top of Colombia's Primera A.

Last week I saw Rivas play in the second leg of the Colombian cup final. Chico had lost 1-0 at home to Millonarios and needed something special in the return match in Bogota.
It was tight and Rivas played his part as his side threatened to open the scoring. But, inside the last 20 minutes, he got himself sent off. The second yellow was harsh, more of a tangle than a foul, although Rivas did not touch the ball. This made his protest somewhat hollow when he picked up the ball and showed it to the referee - then downright outrageous when he thrust it into the ref's face before running off the field.
At 27, Avimiled Rivas is still highly strung.

The playmaker on the opposing side was Mayer Candelo. With a sweet left foot and a capacity to generate ideas, Candelo was a great hope when he emerged towards the end of the 1990s.

Some saw him as the successor to the fuzzy-haired Colombian Carlos Valderrama - the midfielder, now 50, who played 111 times for his country between 1985 and 1998.

It never happened for Candelo. At the top level he was found wanting. Now 34, Candelo has had an interesting career all over South America - most notably in Peru - but he proved unable to fulfil those early hopes.

A few minutes after Rivas saw red, Candelo had the chance to clinch the cup when he stepped up to take a penalty. Teenage goalkeeper Cristian Bonilla, a Colombia Under-20 international, dived right to make the save.

I sat thinking this was almost a metaphor for the moment of Colombian football - Candelo, the eternal nearly man, blowing it again, while Bonilla showed that the future lies with a new generation.

...And then the keeper made complete hash of a clearance, kicking straight to Candelo, who glided past the last defender and flicked his shot into the corner to confirm Millonarios as champions.

This, I suppose, is a better symbol of Colombia and its football - beguiling, frustrating, surprising.

After Brazil's near-200m population, Colombia's 50m is the largest in South America. It has a variety of urban centres and a football-crazy public. And yet they have failed to reach the last three World Cups.

In part this can be explained by the trauma of the 1994 World Cup, when their very good team collapsed under intense pressure as ambassadors for a country that was falling apart. The murder of centre-back Andres Escobar after that exit made the issues evident to all. The short passing style of the 1994 team seemed discredited by association and no big collective idea came along to replace it.

But it also seems clear there have been individual problems. A significant amount of South American talent that falls by the wayside seems to be Colombian.

Local journalists tell me many careers go astray from the moment when the youngster signs his first big contract. Lacking the maturity to cope with sudden wealth and fame, the journey from zero to hero is too quick for the player to assimilate the changes. Then there is the threat of a premature move to Europe where the youngster fails to get a regular game.

Brazil winning the Under-20 World Cup

How many stars of the future won the FIFA Under-20 World Cup for Brazil in August? Photo: AFP

Staying or going, both routes have their problems.

The record shows the best move would seem to be southwards. Argentine football functions as a finishing school for some of the best Colombians, toughening them up for the challenges ahead.

Defenders Mario Yepes (now at AC Milan), Luis Amaranto Perea (Atletico Madrid) and Ivan Cordoba (Inter Milan) plus strikers Juan Pablo Angel (ex-Aston Villa) and Radamel Falcao Garcia (Atletico Madrid) are recent examples of players who went to Argentina before moving to Europe.

As Colombia strive to improve on their Copa America displays, where they were solid but lacking spark, they are counting on two Argentine-trained talents.

Involvement in the World Youth Cup kept Porto's James Rodriguez, 20, out of the Copa. The left-footed midfielder, who made his name in Argentina with Banfield, was outstanding three weeks ago as Colombia began their World Cup qualification campaign with a 2-1 away win over Bolivia.

In the coming rounds he should be joined in the team by Giovanny Moreno, 25, a languid, silkily talented playmaker/support striker with a wonderful left foot who plays in Argentina with Racing.

After recovering from a serious knee injury, Moreno hopes to be more than a younger version of Meyer Candelo - the really man rather than the nearly man. He should be able to make his case at home to Argentina on 15 November.

Comment on the piece in the space provided. Email questions on South American football to vickerycolumn@hotmail.com and I'll pick out a couple for next week.

From last week's postbag:

Q) After reading on the BBC website about the Premier League ban on third-party ownership of players to "protect the integrity of competition", I'd like to know your opinion of third-party ownership and what harm it might do to clubs?
Edmund Allen

There are two complaints. One you mentioned - the possibility of outside forces having an effect on sporting outcomes, even without necessarily meaning to.

My main concern is that I see it as a form of asset-stripping. Advocates talk of it allowing clubs to have players they might not otherwise be able to afford - but this is only because some other club (probably South American) has lost the player and received considerably less than his full worth.

The central contradiction is that much of South American football runs at a loss but produces some of the most-promising players. Investors take advantage of the weak financial position of the clubs to acquire a stake in the best players. The clubs often need cash urgently to meet their wage bill, so the investor can buy a share in the prospect for a good price. It turns the player into a commodity - something to be sold, not necessarily at the right time or to the right club. It means that, when he is sold, some of that transfer fee is lost to football.

Q) I have been following the Brazilian Championship this year and been really shocked by the dreadful performances of Cruzeiro. They sit just above the relegation zone and are in serious danger of going down. I know they have had managerial changes and injuries to key players such as Leo and Wallyson - but do their problems run deeper than that?
Tom Webber

In the first few months of the year they looked like the best team in the continent! After one bad night and elimination from the Libertadores, the house of cards came crashing down.

Possible reasons are the bizarre coaching changes, while the injury to Wallyson and the sale of Thiago Ribeiro to Cagliari in Italy have left them without goal power.

But there is another factor. The big stadium they use, the Mineirao, is closed for World Cup works and the city's other stadium (where England lost to the USA in 1950) is also closed. So they have to travel out of Belo Horizonte for all their home games. This is clearly not ideal. Just 37 goals in 32 games means they will probably have to sweat until the final round to see if they stay up.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/timvickery/2011/10/rising_stars_and_lost_potentia.html

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A rubbish miss you won?t have seen: Aleksandr Bukharov (Zenit) v Kuban

Bukharov failed to put Zenit 1-0 up from inside the six yard box, in a match which would end 1-1 on Sunday.

Source: http://www.101greatgoals.com/a-rubbish-miss-you-wont-have-seen-aleksandr-bukharov-zenit-v-kuban/114246/

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Steelers Have Only Themselves To Blame

A famous coach once said you can’t turn the ball over and expect to win the game. And yet, the Pittsburgh Steelers had a shot to win Super Bowl XLV. Down 6 points with two minutes to go from their own 13 yard line, Ben Roethlisberger led the Steelers’ offense on the field against a [...]

Source: http://www.davesfootballblog.com/post/2011/02/07/steelers-have-only-themselves-to-blame/

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Video :: LA Galaxy v. Real Salt Lake Highlights : MLS Western Conference Final ? Playoffs

Los Angeles 3 – 1 Real Salt Lake Highlights Scoring Summary Los Angeles: Landon Donovan (pen 23′) Real Salt Lake: Alvaro Sabor�o (25′) Los Angeles: Mike Magee (58′) Los Angeles: Robbie Keane (68′) Highlights after the jump……

Source: http://theoriginalwinger.com/2011-11-06-video-la-galaxy-v-real-salt-lake-highlights-mls-western-conference-final-playoffs

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Peruvian striker Andy Polo makes headlines

A special player is coming to my adopted city of Rio de Janeiro this Wednesday.

Universitario of Peru are visiting Vasco da Gama in the quarter-finals of South America's Europa League equivalent [called the Copa Sul-Americana in Brazil, the Sudamericana elsewhere on the continent] and in their ranks is 17-year-old striker Andy Polo.

Already linked with Liverpool and Arsenal, Polo is of particular interest to me. He is something I have been waiting for.

It was August 1994 when I moved over to this side of the Atlantic. Polo was born at the end of the following month.

Andy Polo

17 year-old Peruvian striker Andy Polo's stock has risen on the international front after he helped his club side Universitario secure the Under-20 version of the Copa Libertadores for the first time in the club's history. PHOTO: Getty

He is the first player to make a major impact who has been in South America for less time than I have.

A strong, stocky, sinuous runner, he is reminiscent in style to his compatriot Jefferson Farfan. Earlier this year, Polo helped his club win an under-20 version of the Copa Libertadores, the continent's Champions League.

The stand-outs were Polo and a team-mate, the lithe, left sided Edison Flores. Both - and especially Polo - have made a successful graduation to the senior side.

It was in late September, a few days before his 17th birthday, that Polo really had me out of my seat. The event was Peru's big derby, Universitario against Alianza Lima.

This is always a huge occasion, and a real test for a rookie.

Polo showed strength of character and strength of physique, at one point carving out a clear opportunity with a crash-ball run straight through the middle of the experienced Alianza defence.

This was clearly a name for the notebook.

Normally my protective interest in a player such as this would have me hoping that he is not tempted to take the risk of a premature move.

In this case, though, there is no use. He will inevitably be packing his bags before long - the economic situation of his club leaves little alternative.

Universitario are a big club with a proud tradition. Although they are traditionally identified with the elite, and their rivals Alianza with the mass of the population, there are surveys which claim that Universitario's support is at least as big. In terms of titles there is no doubt about it - they lead the Peruvian pack.

They have been in financial trouble for some time now. But recent events seem to have tipped them over the edge, into a chapter of their history which includes both genuine tragedy and dark comedy.

The tragedy came in that very derby against Alianza where Polo announced his presence. It took place in Universitario's impressive, modern stadium.

Security arrangements were not so impressive. A group of visiting fans were in one of the executive boxes - in theory the safest part of the ground. Some home supporters broke in, beat them up and threw one to his death.

It pales in comparison with the human consequences, but the incident had a further negative impact on the club's finances. They have not been able to use their stadium since, borrowing a small ground in neighbouring Callao for league games and moving into the revamped National stadium for last week's first leg against Vasco.

The comedy lies in some of the recent antics. In May, the club forgot to take their change strip to Trujillo to play Cesar Vallejo. The players had to take the field in training tops with the numbers drawn on with felt pen.

The weekend before last was even more bizarre. In a bid to save money, the team waited until Sunday morning to fly up to Cuzco to face Cienciano, but the flight was delayed. Come kick-off time, they still had not arrived.

There was only one solution. The reserves - basically a junior team - had just played the reserves of Cienciano, losing 1-0. Now they would have to play again.

The referee only authorised nine of them to take the field, since they were the only ones with professional contracts. Halfway through the first half, the delegation arrived. With two extra players and three substitutions, Universitario could strengthen the side.

But for 20 minutes they were down to nine tired kids. It is a wonder they only lost 3-0.

It is also a wonder that they have reached the quarter-finals of the Sul-Americana, with a terrific chance of making the last four.

Admittedly Vasco, with an eye on the Brazilian title, sent a weakened team to Lima for the first leg. Even so, in their 2-0 win, Universitario did enough to suggest they can reach the semis even if Vasco unleash the full-strength side on Wednesday.

Certainly there seems to be no lack of motivation among the Peruvians - even though they have not been paid for five months.

The accumulated wage bill could have serious consequences. Tired of waiting, the players are refusing to sign the pre-match paperwork, meaning that the club forfeit any points won on the field. The second division is beckoning.

The Copa Sul-Americana, meanwhile, is a question of professional pride and also a chance for the players to put themselves in the shop window.

There are one or two other interesting prospects. Raul Ruidiaz is a tricky little striker, though talk of "the Peruvian Messi" is hardly fair, and not just because Ruidiaz is right-footed. There is Edison Flores. Alvaro Ampuero is a tall, left-footed defensive midfielder with a promising future.

But the brightest bulb in the firmament is Polo, whose speed, strength and skill look tailor made for European football.

In an ideal world, a transfer would not happen yet. But force of circumstances is likely to push this one through sooner rather than later. Losing Polo would surely leave a hole in the hearts of Universitario supporters. But the club need to sell to survive.

Comments on the piece in the space provided. Questions on South American football to vickerycolumn@hotmail.com, and I'll pick out a couple for next week.


From last week's postbag:

What do you think of Fabio Rochemback's career? I wouldnt say he had disaster in playing in Europe. Do you think he has a chance to make back in to Brazil team or even Europe, although age 29 he could have a few good years in him.
Jawaad Kaleem

It would be outrageous to call his time in Europe a disaster. He's had a solid career. But remember that he was playing for Brazil and Barcelona while still a teenager - in that light I think that it's clear he didn't go on to fulfil those early expectations. This is something that fascinates me - how does a player cope psychologically when he discovers that he's not quite as good as he's been allowed to think?
In terms of his future - if he couldn't get in to the Brazil squad a year ago when Gremio were flying, then it's unlikely now. And, 30 next month, a move back to Europe hardly looks likely either - not that there's anything wrong with that. The Brazilian first division is an increasingly interesting place to play, and, as you say, he should have plenty of time left to enjoy himself back home.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/timvickery/2011/11/promising_peruvian_striker_and.html

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Heroes & Villains: Balotelli, booing and other less popular things

As the delightfully bonkers 2011/12 season countinues to rumble on in Premier League town, FourFourTwo's James Maw names the super stars and ne'er do wells of match day nine...


HEROES??

Manchester City?
Well yes, obviously.? In his programme notes for Sunday?s game, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson described City counterpart Roberto Mancini?s handling of Tevezactinglikeadouchebag-gate as "a master class in management". What Ferguson didn?t realise was that the Italian?s tutorial was still in session.?
City?s emphatic win at Old Trafford could be the most symbolic result in the recent history of English football ? as clear a sign as could be imagined of the much-discussed shift in power. City?s players showed the kind of unity, workrate and relentlessness that have served their city rivals well over the past two decades.
The Tevez affair, which for a brief moment looked like derailing City?s entire ?project?, has instead galvanised the manager, fans and seemingly the bench-dwelling Argentine?s team-mates. The widely-predicted selfishness and mutiny haven't spread, and instead Tevez has been ostracised, isolated and made an example of. City?s stars know that if they don?t pull their weight and toe the party line, a similar fate will be theirs.
Even Mario Balotelli, long tipped to explode, has kept his head down (on the pitch, at least). Player, team and club are feeling the full benefit ? and the rest of the league is looking up at an outfit? as awe-inspiring yet daunting as the madcap garb Balotelli is likely to don come Halloween...

Norwich
"Playing without fear", "a breath of fresh air", "Stephen Fry supports them, dontchaknow?"...
Yes, yes, yes ? everybody loves Norwich at the moment, just like everybody loved Blackpool in the first half of last season, and Hull in the first half of 2008/09. While Paul Lambert is certain not to develop into as big an attention-seeking irritant as Phil Brown or Ian Holloway, his team are likely to face a similar sticky period to those suffered by the Tigers and Tangerines in their debut Premier League seasons; how they deal with it will be decisive in deciding whether they will suffer their third successive Premier League relegation.
But the signs so far are hugely positive. Unlike Hull and Blackpool, Norwich?s early success hasn?t been built entirely on catching out inattentive rivals with aesthetically pleasing football. Lambert?s side know when it?s time to dig deep and show a little pragmatism, which is exactly what they did at Anfield on Saturday evening.
Having weathered something of a Liverpool storm with only one goal conceded, the Canaries battled back through the power and commitment of Grant Holt, who thumped a header past Pepe Reina to level the scores. Keeper John Ruddy, meanwhile, was superb throughout, though it was his full-stretch 95th minute save from Luis Suarez that made headlines, denying the Uruguayan a certain winner and securing the point for the Norfolk side.

Yoann Cabaye
The midfielder took his tag of Newcastle talisman to the next level by scoring the winning goal in a match his side largely stuttered through and largely looked far from certain to win. The Frenchman?s first Premier League goal was certainly a timely one, and the three points keep Toon?s unlikely push for a Champions League spot rumbling on, for the time being at least. If Alan Pardew?s side are to continue their impressive form, they will need Cabaye to keep performing to the same level for months to come.

Robin van Persie
Arsenal were only able to avoid another Monday-morning inquest by throwing on their half-fit skipper against a Stoke side who have often frustrated the Gunners in recent years. While Arsene Wenger may be concerned his side needed the Dutchman?s intervention to see off a side seemingly suffering from another post-Europe hangover, he should be glad to have the striker at his disposal, as without him the Gunners look a rather average side.

Rafael van der Vaart
Van Persie wasn?t the only Netherlands international to score twice on Sunday, with compatriot Van der Vaart netting both Spurs? goals in a 2-1 victory at Ewood Park. So it was double double Dutch. Or quadruple Dutch. Or something.??

VILLAINS?

Manchester United?s defence?
Roberto Mancini?s side were of course superb, but the margin of victory wasn?t entirely down to their own attacking verve. Was it, Jonny Evans?
It would be harsh to lay full blame for their pummelling at the hands of City at the Ulsterman?s door, but there?s no denying the tide of the match turned on the moment of madness that saw the United defender red-carded for hauling down Mario Balotelli in what can only be described as brainless fashion.?
From that point onwards, United?s defence ? already missing Nemanja Vidic ? was all at sea. Their haphazardness was perhaps best summed up by City?s fourth.
Rio Ferdinand gave away a needless corner, then failed to track Edin Dzeko when Joleon Lescott knocked the ball back across goal, leaving the Bosnian with a simple tap-in. That was the first of four minutes of added time; City created four more clear chances in the time remaining, two of which resulted in further goals.?
The most worrying thing for United fans will be the way heads dropped once all hope looked lost rather than battling to the bitter end ? they won?t have seen that too often over the last 20 years.??

Phil Dowd & Darren Cann?
There?s no getting round it, the dismissal of Aston Villa?s Chris Herd was as inexplicable a refereeing decision as has been made in the Premier League all season ? and that's no mean feat. The official line is that Herd stamped on West Brom?s Jonas Olsson, though replays appeared to show little if any malice, and even less contact.??

Alan Hutton?
But Villa shouldn?t complain too strongly about Herd?s red, as defensive cohort Hutton should really have been forced into a premature appointment with his rubber duckie and a bottle of Matey. The Scot unleashed a ?full-blooded? tackle ? a cute little euphemism for a reckless attack that could have resulted in a serious injury ? on West Brom?s Shane Long, before having another nibble at the same player a few moments later.

??Bobby Zamora?
The England striker?s 89th-minute miss at 1-1 cost Fulham the chance to pocket three points from a match they would ultimately lose. Zamora kept his composure in brushing the ball past Tim Howard, then suffered from a rush of blood to the head with the empty net gaping, bending the ball past the far post. Seventy seconds later, Louis Saha had put Everton back in front.
Given he?s something of a confidence player, it will be intriguing to see how Zamora reacts to his glaring miss.

Asmir Begovic
With the Candian-come-Bosnian making an impressively solid start to the season between the sticks for Stoke, it was something of a surprise to see him beaten by two shots most top flight keepers would expect to gather. Yet both of Robin van Persie?s second-half strikes were relatively tame, and neither was placed out of the keeper?s reach.

Wolves boo-boys
?While they could be forgiven for going into Saturday?s clash with Swansea under an ugly cloud of apprehension given their side had just lost five league games on the bounce, the tetchy, impatient and aggressive atmosphere created by a number of Wolves fans during the match was hardly conducive to inspiring a turnaround in fortunes.?
Even before Danny Graham?s 23rd-minute opener, the locals were getting on their team?s collective back, pouncing on every misplaced pass and perceived lack of urgency. In reality, Mick McCarthy?s side were merely feeling their way into the game. Quickfire goals from Graham and Joe Allen saw the Welsh outfit surge into a 2-0 lead, and caused the atmosphere outside the away end to turn viciously sour.
The moaning and groaning of the first half was followed largely by silence in the second. Even after Kevin Doyle narrowed the deficit with six minutes remaining, it was the travelling fans that were most audible.
All the more galling, then, to hear the Molineux faithful bate the Swans fans following Jamie O?Hara?s unlikely equaliser. ?You?re not singing any more? crowed large numbers of the home support, without a hint of irony. Sigh.

Source: http://fourfourtwo.com/blogs/fourfourtwoview/archive/2011/10/24/heroes-amp-villains-balotelli-booing-and-other-less-popular-things.aspx

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Artur Boruc?s Friday Rage List

Artur Boruc?s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. LET'S GO -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MEXICAN CLUB PUTTING TWITTER HANDLES ON PLAYER'S SHIRTS -- I DON'T HAVE A TWITTER HANDLE BUT I DO HAVE A PICTURE OF A GRANDFATHER GETTING STABBED BY A FLAMING SWORD WITH SNAKE WRAPPED AROUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED THAT ON MY SHIRT INSTEAD OF MY NAME BUT FIORENTINA SAID IT WASN'T POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PITCH INVADER PUNCHING A STEAUA BUCHAREST PLAYER -- WHY DOES VIOLENCE LIKE THIS EXIST?!?!?!??!!? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST PUNCH EACH OTHER FROM THE FRONT LIKE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS!??!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHH WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!!???!?!?!??!!? SUCKER PUNCHES!!!!! THAT'S WHAT!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!! REPENT BEFORE THE CORN TURNS YOUR FAMILY INTO HOUSE MUSICIANS WITHOUT A PENSION PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. BILLY SHARP'S GOAL FROM HEAVEN -- THIS MADE ME CRY AND FEEL WARM INSIDE!!!!!!!!! THEN IT MADE ME ANGRY FOR REASONS THAT I CANNOT FULLY COMPREHEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST PUNCHED A CLOCK AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. 30-FOOT MARIO BALOTELLI FILLED WITH FIREWORKS -- I WANT TO LIVE INSIDE OF IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. WORLD RECORD HEADER -- THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M ACTUALLY MORE ANGRY AT THE GOALKEEPER FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN THAN I AM AT THE HEAD THAT DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER SEE THIS GOALKEEPER IN AN OUTDOOR MARKET I WILL IGNORE HIM SO HARD THAT A POTATO WILL ROT IN HIS HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. 74 LASHES FOR A GRAB ASS GOAL CELEBRATION -- THIS IS AN UNJUST PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHIPPING PEOPLE IS CRUELTY AND UNCREATIVE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HAVING DRAGONS MELT PEOPLE'S FACES OR ELVES MESSING WITH YOUR EARS WHILE YOU SLEEP!?!!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?!??!?!!?

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS EATING A BIALY MADE WITH ASBESTOS AND GARLIC WHEN I DECIDED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WASN'T SURE LIBRARIES STILL EXIST ANYMORE SO I WAS VERY SURPRISED WHEN I FOUND THAT THEY DO!!!!!!!! THERE WERE BOOKS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I READ ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE MY MIND MORE DANGEROUS THAN A PIG FILLED WITH ILLITERATE LEPRECHAUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI OR EITHER OF HIS GOOBER KIDS BUT HE IS STILL AN IDIOT FOR REASONS THAT I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ENUMERATE!!!!!!!!!! I LEARNED THAT WORD AT THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I WISH WORDS COULD ACTUALLY CAUSE PHYSICAL DAMAGE AND UNCONTROLLABLE NOSE BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty

Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/Artur-Boruc-s-Friday-Rage-List?urn=sow-wp6350

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